today:
1. the heavy rain was refreshing and great and enjoyable and awesome. i love rainy days, especially heavy downpours, with overflowing canals and choked drains. mini flooding on the roads, and the wheels have to cut through it, and the water splish splosh all over other cars. i hope you've seen a car before. so when the raindrops hit the windscreen the sound gets amplified (due to the hollowness i guess) and its quite a nice sound. and there's thunder. and there's lightning. and one gust of wind, one gale from God can make the trees bend down. you fear that the trees may get uprooted and land on you one by one. the sky is overcast, atmosphere is grey and dark, the colours of the road and the sky are so similar, there is no clear cut line between the two. you wanna shiver.
that kind of scenery and weather sets the mood for lessons today. and like an omen,

2. more and more and more teachers poured their hearts out to the counsellors of 4J. oh, im sorry i made a mistake, it must be really us who have attitude problems and low EQ, and we are the ones who should eat our pride and enrol in anger management classes; not the counsellors. physics was verging on boring, so was chemistry, and during geography we had a heated debate (im pretty calm about it now'; since somehow i figured out the many POVs present in that ten minutes). maths and bio teachers pouring their heart out. we shut up and listen. i broke down for no freaking reason, but still my thinking was calm and rational and its the first time it ever happened to me. so as usual in this sort of times i like to shut up and think and argue with myself, but nowadays i've given up on the thinking.
well i want to continue my train on thoughts still, thoughts aren't toy products which can be put back on the shelf to be displayed and sold to the next rich kid in town.
if i ever shelve my thoughts away i would forget them and that's just pitiful. d'ya think its pitiful? i really think so.

3. after school, played monopoly card game version. won one round :D credits to my lucky hand.

4. played vball with the monopolians, then as a match. the match was frustrating since teamwork was freaking nil/zero/zilch/blah, and i keep hearing things like: hey cassandra you look frustrated/sad; cassandra don't be sad/angry; are you okay?; hey relax its just a game. and i wail and whine and complain and freak out, "I'VE GOT FREAKING CANCER NOW I CANT STAND IT" i say, they know i'm talking about them and that i'm PMS-ing. its too late to say this, but im really sorry for spoiling the game and i seem so like a sore loser but i dont want to be one even though my behaviour indicates i'm partly one. will they even see this? even if they do, will they even read this? bloody hell its just not my day. i must be too overly concerned with winning and the whole teamwork stuff, which brings me back to the topic of how our teachers poured their hearts out to each other and to us (over a swig of beer, i presume. it would have really set the mood of pouring your heart out.) yes so we're a results-oriented brand of class delinquents, hahaha. and since i behave like it, and since i belong to this class, that makes me results-oriented too. whoa what a brilliant mindpower! what a heroic attitude you have!

4. i understand many people like to think of themselves as heros and heroines and victims of mind rape and murder, or maybe you like to think yourself as an actor on the stage of life with a sad role. we are no antiheroes, and the world is no Gotham City (though its becoming like one now) especially when it comes to overprotected singaporean kiddos, kiddos like me. or any other local for that matter. are humans born to be that emo? yea yea nobody understands me boohoo so lets skip this point.

5. lets just come clean, admit. i dont like calculus. i admit that for the past few years of my studying of mathematics i've been doing it because:

• my mother was very particular about practical subjects like math and sciences. so she emphasized on my mathematics education, and sent me to math tuition (which i bet is the most popular subject for tuition in the demographic of singapore). she still is.
• my dad is an accountant. yknow those financial planners and advisors? those kind of people who hold steady jobs and secure salaries (until the financial meltdown)? so to every other commoner/family members, since he is my dad, since i look so much like him, i should definitely have his brain genes and therefore it is perfectly normal to have an A grade in math. so if i get an A grade, my uncle goes: well, your father deals with numbers! so if i don't get the grade, what will they say of me? so back then, i really wanted to get A for math. every time i get back report book, im always relieved that i get an A. all that, is going to, change, this year. i think i'm getting double Bs, its nothing to be proud of, nor is it nothing to be ashamed of, a B is a B and so my GPA will drop (and my mum will probably ecture me. as if i haven't had enough.)

in essence, there is nothing to be proud of. why am i/are you so bossy and childish and egoistical and commanding?

6. to apologise requires alot of courage, yes, but one needs the sincerity. how can it be a facade? what is courage that we so rarely see? what is its significance? even God desires us to confess with our mouth. coming to the cross, we have to be sincere, we have to apologise. right?

7. danny gokey is out. its so sad now that i watch his homecoming ): the judges were shocked. open mouth, yknow? he's really nice and a good guy and such. even though i don't like the singing

8. kris gets free cheese from his fave restaurant. lol. he's a mama's boy. aw. he really had it rough. simon criticises his songs no matter what. ugh. its disgusting. even the way adam keeps snagging pimp position.