im peeved at rudeness, vanity, nonsense, and really happy idiotic stuff like that, and therefore, i carry bitterness towards myself.
tell the truth, i hate hard work. and im not really dilligent. but i know i used to be a perfectionist. and i need to strive for perfection again. and i hate striving. im not motivated. but i know i used to be enthusiastic.
people like me have layers and layers of hard mantle, because thats hows you can stubbornly be yourself without getting hurt. you dont actually change, you just upgrade.
many things i used to be acquainted with has vanished. and i guess i need to find it all back again.
if all else fails, this year was slack, but gloomy. next year, would be tiring, and full of anguish, and even more gloomy.
when i say i just want it, i just want it. its kind of a result of spoiling a child, but thats how it is. maybe its just a spur of a moment and i'll have regrets. but i have had enough regrets to know that they're just chains of the past. i dont want another chain, but i guess i'll still be chained anyway. they're like ambushes and traps.
there're alot of other cheesy things in the world and about me. like jap anime.
gosh i know im being overly negative, but i dont feel like thinking all this anymore. i dont want to think so much anymore. i'm doing so much things to stop myself from thinking too much and maybe enjoy the present a little. what can reality be? i'm stuck in some stinkin' rut.
i realised i have started being gloomy and zombie-like all the year, bloody hell.
i realised that having family is quite good. cause they have known me for as long as we could remember. but all my friends, we break connections after like, five or six years. and i can feel that in a few years time, i'll be in some new place and forget all the friends i have right now.
i need to break new ground. and travel new places. and risk it all. and try everything. i need it. i feel that need. because it was all i used to be and for some blasted reason i've stopped all these wonderful stuff i like to do. i think its because of the opinions people have. and cause of the failures i had.
people keep asking me what i want to be when i grow up, but i really have no answer for them. i want a career. i want decent payroll. i want good colleagues and fine, exquisite, uncommon, unique career. yeah thats what i want. but there are limits. and God will bring me a hope and a future. oh yes i believe in God. in this God who brings a hope and future. and salvation. look, i know i'm not exactly a saint at home or in school or outside, in fact i'm far from it and am still a poor example and advocate for Christ. but i believe in Christ. its really difficult to live in this age with Christ in your life.
well i guess its always difficult to live in any era with Christ in your life.
of course its possible.
thats why we have godly people, believers, saints, pastors, ministry, etc.
i still don't like hard work. i like relaxing. i hope to have a career, but alot of hard work is needed for a career. i really like slacking alot and relaxing and staying in my room for hours rotting away. and letting many things rush through my mind, and falling asleep and dreaming of really weird stuff like the time i was dreaming that Cyclops was dead cause he dropped off from the sky due to some hanggliding/parachuting armchair problem into the Atlantic Ocean and in the dark blue depths where his corpse lie creatures of the deep, giant octopuses came and engulfed him. i tried to draw it out later but could not, anyway the tentacles are artistically disgusting.
when im like eighteen or something i was thinking of working at downtown or IR with all the roller coasters and theme parks. or i was thinking, mechanic. yeah, maybe its dirty and low class. but i hope its fun.
anyway i'm the track vice capt. it makes me sad that i do not have the zest or x factor or whatever to lead. i dont know if i care for track team or not and unlike many leaders of other ccas i dont go for extra trainings, i do not show concern for teammates, i do not know the names of juniors, i do not have motivation or enthusiasm or talent or anything i can do to help my team and lead the mateys to higher heights. am i worthy? what example am i? what champion spirit?!
and my helplessness cause me alot of problems. all i can do is acad, is it?! no way i hate grades. i hate comparing grades with others. i hate others comparing with me. i hate being bookwormish. i hate keeping deadlines and doing crap i dont see the point in doing for more grades and positive remarks.
and i want to start shirking responsibilities. they are rather burdensome.
and mostly, i like to be alone. i value privacy. but these holidays people out there want to go out.
having a bloody chalet tomorrow. i dont like socialising, why? its actually quite fun. but i like to think that i'm not cut out for it.
love hmm? to be a believer of God i think i have to obey. love others as you love yourself.
but the point is, what if you wind up like josh in bbyd? all time when i was reading bbyd i cant help thinking that josh really did love his friends as he loved himself. what if you hate yourself to the point of wanting to commit suicide? wont you also hate others to the point of their deaths?
therefore, i guess we somehow have to love ourselves. its an incomplete amateurish philosophy, but it works out quite well.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
1) always account for variable change.
2) live the life you imagined.
3) battery is low.
4) where's my change?
5) 'strength doesn't suffer for nothing'
9:52 PM
Friday, November 7, 2008
10:06 PM
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
1. trained. pain.
2. barack obama is the new president of united states.
my brother's very politically inclined. singapore's breeding a new kind of politician.
the rest are overseas (on 511.)
3:39 PM
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
big bad mood cycles
what's in youth? a bag of bones and hormones. what's in wrinkles of age? what's in a hollow puppet?
people drown me with their, er, overwhelming desires and zest. guess i'll just have to get some zest.
-
lets talk about short stories. i thought The Lottery was good, but at the time the story was published people cancelled subcriptions to the magazine in which the story was written and Shirley Jackson received hate mail. "(author's) mother scolded her, 'Dad and I did not care at all for your story in The New Yorker,' she wrote sternly; 'it does seem, dear, that this gloomy kind of story is what all you young people think about these days. Why don't you write something to cheer people up?'"
and i thought The Lottery was good. maybe 'cause im in the new generation. i feel old though.
http://www.americanliterature.com/Jackson/SS/TheLottery.html
history does seem to repeat itself.
daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.
10:27 PM
Monday, November 3, 2008
i want to start a fight
i didnt know The Picture of Dorian Gray was written by oscar wilde. O:
anyway i need to give a fitting reason to drop bio. havent replied jeffrey ng.
because there's no fitting reason for giving up, usually.
'just' is an understatement.
okay i shall just hand the bloody draft in.
oh its terrible to be boring.
7:05 PM
